i realize i'm a loser. not in any "oh please email me and affirm me because i'm fishing for a compliment" kind of way. no thanks. what i am saying is that, for the first time in my life i have come to accept that i am not the front runner i once believed myself to be. i am not about to be "discovered". it has been a horrible thing to come to grips with. so late in life, so many moments wasted, living for approval. i am not the smartest, or the best communicator, the funniest, the best looking. denominations have not lined up begging to hire me, quite the contrary. there are no conferences to speak at, no ringing endorcements, no invitations to hang out with the cool postmodern gurus. only echos.
i'm happy. i'm realizing for the first time in my life that most people are losers by a hollywood definition. few of us are conference panelists. not many of us are christian superstars. we are vanilla people in a flavor of the month world. we are normal. normal in a world that demeans normalcy. in a church in love with stardom and beauty.
we have our superstars too. they write prefaces for our books and we line up to buy their latest installment. we sit at their feet and blog their every word. we ridicule their stances and secretly envy their power. even in a postmodern movement that demeans power we have allowed a handful of white males to swoon us.
And a fantastic post from Bob about pastors cheating on their spouses/families with the church...
Here's a gut-punch question that came to me this week, and that I really don't even want to type: If you are a pastor, does your spouse know beyond a shadow of a doubt that regardless of how much (or how little) you have to work right now, you'd rather be home with your family?