Wednesday, August 22, 2007

More Children's Sermons Rejected by Textweek

Sometimes, to break the monotony of a good, logically sound object lesson, it's good to just tell a simple story with a sound Jesus-ish message. Here are a few of my favorites...

"I'd like to tell you a story about a boy named Xanish. Xanish needed help with his homework one night, so he asked his father to help him.

'Father,' Xanish asked, 'I seem to be having some difficulty with my math homework. Could you please help me?'

'I don't know, son,' Father replied, 'Doesn't God want us to work out our own problems?'

'Um...what does that have to do with math?' Xanish was confused.

'You see, son, there was this man named Abraham. He was once afraid of the Pharaoh of Egypt, so he told the guards that Sarah was his sister so that they wouldn't kill him. And then it all worked out. So you should work on your math by yourself because it's what God wants so that you'll grow up to be a good American citizen.'

'But didn't Pharaoh find out about Sarah being Abraham's wife, Father? I'm pretty sure that God got upset about that whole thing.'

And Xanish was spanked fifteen times and sent to bed. Obey your parents. The end."

"I'd like to tell you a story about a girl named Newrionah. One day Newrionah went to school, carrying her backpack and her lunchbox, as she so often did. On this particular day, the class was introduced to a new student.

'Class,' the teacher said, 'this is Renquillah. She just moved here from Idaho.'

And Renquillah sat down at a desk next to Newrionah. When it came time for lunch, Newrionah turned to Renquillah and said, 'Would you like to sit with me and my friends in the cafeteria?'

Renquillah blushed with excitement. 'Yes, that'd be great!'

And so Newrionah and Renquillah sat down with Newrionah's friends Goitvan, Atari, Limerick, Zxcvbnm, and Fladelpuss. They all shared their lunches just like something that Paul wrote someplace.

Then they met the boys on the playground: Klattproof, He-Man, Portwevurt, Adfart, and Pete. All the other kids picked on Pete for his stupid name. The end."